Fashion Fest

The summer festival season is upon us. Irish Fest, German Fest, and Festa Italiana are among many of this City’s many ethnic festivals. These fun summer traditions show Milwaukee ’s diversity and cultural heritage. They show both the country and the world that Milwaukee IS “a great place by a great lake”.

The biggest of Milwaukee’s festivals is not an ethnic festival. Yes, Summerfest is here. It’s an eleven day world class music festival; “a great place by a great lake” to listen to music, try different foods from Milwaukee restaurants, and to have fun with friends. Security makes Summerfest a safe event but I think the police should be there too – the fashion police! Let’s re-examine the name Summerfest. How about we re-name it “Don’t You Own a Mirror Fest”? Sadly, Summerfest is a gathering for those who have no fashion sense OR those who just don’t care what they look like. Even worse . . . are those who think they have a fashion sense AND think they look good, but they don’t. Go buy a mirror!

Women, don’t come to “Don’t You Own a Mirror Fest” wearing 4 inch stilettos with a tight leather mini skirt and black lace tank top that’s two sizes too small which shows off your implants. This look is just not in vogue. Your bottle blonde hair that’s teased with a half dozen cans of Aqua Net hairspray really does not add anything to the ensemble. Save your back, there’s a lot of walking to do at Summerfest, at least wear sensible shoes (maybe 1 inch heels) with your otherwise OMG, what the H is she wearing outfit. And if you are one of those people wearing this “Holly Hooker” outfit because you want to be noticed for how good you think you look. Let me tell you a secret . . . ssshhhhh . . . . you don’t look good . . . you look like trailer trash. Meet me in the magazine section of Barnes and Noble, I’ll buy you a copy of Elle, Glamour, or Vogue.

Guys don’t think you can escape the fashion horrors found at “Don’t You Own a Mirror Fest”. We don’t need to see your hairy chest. We don’t need to see the skull and crossbones, eagle, and names of you last ten girlfriends that are tattooed to your arms and back. We don’t need to see your size 40 stomach hanging over your size 36 shorts. Listen Bud, put down the Miller, your beer belly shows that you’ve already had enough.

Guys, listen up! Trust me, GQ and Esquire doesn’t advocate wearing a Harley tank top which shows your hairy armpits and those tattooed arms. You might think it’s sexy but here’s a reality check, it’s not! Okay, maybe it’s mildly acceptable. That is, only if you are trying to hook up with Holly Hooker.

Now, I don’t mean to pick on Summerfest. These OMG fashions can be seen at any of this City’s many festivals or even the Wisconsin State Fair. Don’t even get me started on how people dress there!

YOU can be dressed for the heat in fashion that is cool, casual, and appropriate for a great festival by a great lake; fashion that doesn’t make you look like you are attending a monster truck rally.

I really enjoy going to Summerfest. Look for me, I’ll be the one wearing cute walking sandals (try Think! or Naot brands – my favorites), khaki shorts, and a correctly fitting pink tank top (try J.Jill for something nice fitting and NOT lace). Oh yeah, and I’ll be the one without the heart, butterfly, and flower tattoos; I have NONE!

I’ll be the one enjoying the music and food without having to worry if I will fall in 4 inch stilettos. I’ll be the one giving you the “OMG what the H are you wearing” look.

Go enjoy the many festivals that Milwaukee has to offer. They are a part of our City’s heritage. But look in the mirror before you walk out the door. The fashion police are watching and your outfit; it might just be a crime.